Becoming Curious About Our Shame in Order to Release It

After experiencing a great deal of gaslighting, shame eventually became my baseline.

As I internalized the incoming shame, the experience of simply being me was so painful that I blocked myself of all feeling, leaving myself emotionally numb.

When my son was born and I still couldn’t access the level of emotional connection I so deeply desired, and that he deserved, that shame only grew.

The belief that I wasn’t good enough cycled through me, keeping the shame alive.

On and on it went. It took me years to recognize shame for what it is; love in disguise, waiting to be unmasked.

The realization came in the storm of a shame spiral. I was sobbing in my room after having put my son to bed, regretful that another day had passed where I couldn’t give him all of me.

By pure grace, something told me to dive deeper into the shame.

For the first time I became curious about it. I asked myself, “What exactly are you ashamed of?” To which the reply was, “Dhamma deserves the fully emotionally available version of me; the untraumatized Alexa.”

That same grace then guided me deeper and I saw the truth:

“I don’t feel like I’m giving my son all he deserves” = “I love my son so much that even my very best right now doesn’t feel good enough for him.”

By tapping into that deep, painful, and rich well of love that the shame was originating from, I was finally able to make the shift. Shame returned home to love.

Wherever shame lives is also the desire to do and be better.

This alone shows that self-shaming comes from a well-intended (albeit misguided) place. And by tapping into that knowing, we have the opportunity to discover the beauty that exists deep inside the shame, and alchemize it back into its rightful, loving form.

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